Chapter Eleven: The Day Where They Ran
THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 7:15 A.M. AND 2:30 P.M. ON 10/5/2009
Nick and the Sonic gang, except for Tails of course, were all getting geared up and ready to go to high school again. Nick sighed a low sigh.
"I can't believe it's Monday again…" Nick sighed.
"Yeah, another week of whatever random bullcrap is cooked up for us…" Sonic moaned.
"Well, at least it's better than sitting around here doing nothing all day!" Knuckles tried to say cheerfully.
"Whatever. Let's just get this over with," Shadow said, walking out the front door with a bored Rouge following. Knuckles went out the door next, followed by Nick, Sonic, and Amy. Before the door could be shut, Knuckles flew back into the room, with a visible slap mark on his face. Tails looked at Knuckles in confusion.
"Wait! Rouge, baby, I just accidentally purposely touched your butt! I swear!" Knuckles pleaded, running out the door as he did so. Tails just sighed. Nick's mom and dad then, dressed up in work clothes, began to leave as well.
"So, you two heading for work again?" Tails politely asked.
"Yeah! Just be a good little boy while we're gone okay?" Nick's mom suggested. Tails just beamed his smile and nodded his head. Nick's parents then left the house. After Tails was assured they were gone (he waited until he saw both their cars leave), Tails then broke down crying.
"WHHHHHHHHY!" Tails shouted. Tails, sniffling, ran upstairs to Nick's room. Tails opened Nick's closet door, and then he moved around some old toys and cases, pulling out a cardboard cutout of Cosmo that Tails had made over the quiet days at Nick's home. Tails put in a dancing disk and began trying to ballroom dance with the cardboard cutout, crying profusely while trying to make himself feel better. (Dear God, this is getting weird, even for MY standards…) Tails then began singing "Dreams Of An Absolution" from Lee Brotherton while dancing with the cardboard Cosmo, only making him cry even more. This went on for a good hour until the disc turned off automatically, as it had reached its final song and had automatically shut off. Tails re-hid the Cosmo cutout under a layer of junk in Nick's closet, before he went downstairs and got himself a glass of water.
"…I feel so pathetic. How is the seedling supposed to thrive if no one's caring for it?" Tails whimpered, now curling up into a fetal position and whimpering. Lola, Nick's dog, trotted up to him and tilted her head.
"Aroo…" Lola whined. Tails sat up, still sad.
"What is it?" Tails asked, depressed.
"Aroo…bark! Bark!" Lola barked. Lola then trotted over to the door and pushed her nose against a hanging cluster of bells. Lola stared outside, then at Tails.
"Oh, you need to use the bathroom," Tails sighed. Tails then opened the door to the deck. Lola slowly walked outside, heading down the stairs to the backyard. Tails followed her, getting her lead ready to hook up to her collar. Unfortuantly, Tails was still distracted over his recent figuring out of Cosmo on this planet. Lola was sitting still, waiting, until she saw two squirrels hop by nearby.
"Yeah, so then after I told her off, she comes to my house and tries to get all up in my grill. Know what I mean?" the first squirrel asked in a high tone of voice.
"Yeah, man. She was bad news from the beginning," the second squirrel agreed. The two squirrels then made eye contact with Lola, while Tails was still sluggishly moving. The camera zoomed in on Lola, then the first squirrel, then Lola, then the second squirrel, then Lola again, then the first squirrel, then the second squirrel, then Lola, and then, for some strange reason, Knuckles in a chicken suit. But that wasn't relevant. What was relevant was that Lola went off chasing after the two squirrels. Both squirrels separated, but one was stupid enough to not go for the trees. Instead, it decided to take a joyride and torment Lola because it was faster than her. Tails realized this too late and ran off after Lola, trying to get her.
"Oh, no! Nick's parents will kill me if Lola escapes! This is bad!" Tails screamed. Tails then ran off after Lola, who was now randomly running around the park chasing everything in sight. Lola ran past a couple of trees and Tails followed. The screen then changed to cheap filler theater whenever Lola ran through one bushel of trees to the other side, with Tails following. Then Lola ran out the other side of the trees back to the first one, with Tails following. Following that was Tails being chased by a squirrel, followed by Lola chasing another squirrel. Then the squirrels were being chased by Tails and Lola. Then Lola was being chased by a squirrel, oddly enough. After that the words "EPIC FORESHADOWING" slide from the left side of the screen to the right, until EPIC gets out of place and runs off. FORESHADOWING splits apart into a bunch of separate letters, and they all go after EPIC, which also split into more letters. Tails then ran into one of the I's, and Lola jumped over F to get to a squirrel. One squirrel climbed atop one of the I's and jumped onto one of the O's and began using it as a rolling ball. Tails then climbed a tree and tried to belly flop onto the squirrels, but T got in his way and instead made Tails fall onto the other O, which he then rolled off of and got squished by a confused W. W then ran into the T, which tripped and squished one of the squirrels. Lola then began biting T angrily, since she wanted to play with the squirrel. F and both I's then began fighting using sticks and psychic powers, and then Lola got caught in an endless loop as she ran from the right to the left continuously. Both O's were rolling out of control (with one of them being partially-controlled by the squirrel) and all seemed chaotic…until…
"DR. OCTAGONAPUS, BLA-!" Dr. Octagonapus, along with everyone except for Tails, Lola, and the letter W (did I really just say that?) got hit by a FREAKING BULLET TRAIN.
"Why is a bullet train going off tracks through a random park?" Tails asked. Tails then saw the letter W get crushed as the same bullet train FELL FROM THE SKY and crushed the innocent letter. Lola ran off, and Tails began chasing her again. Tails almost caught Lola, who had stopped to mark her territory on one of the trees. Unfortuantly, the GODDAMN KOOL-AID MAN jumped out from behind some trees and send Lola into a frenzy, peeing everywhere she went while running. Tails, ignoring the Kool-Aid man, ran towards Lola. Lola, still in a peeing frenzy, sent urine onto a small child's shaved ice cone. The kid began crying. Lola then accidentally urinated on a vegetarian's salad. He began crying too. Then Lola emptied her bladder of pee jokes on a bush. Tails and Lola began to ran, running along a gravel pathway that went behind Nick's house. The letters W and T began to follow, along with the small boy and the vegetarian, until THE PLANT LOLA PEED ON CAME TO LIFE. And this plant was none other than…
…those weird plant things from Harry Potter! What, you'd think I was going to say Cosmo? Pfft. Anyways, the plant thing screeched loudly, and it not only killed the vegetarian and small boy, it shattered the Kool-Aid Man, broke more trees, and knocked out all power to the bullet train, which somehow made it stop on a dime. Tails and Lola were out of earshot, as the power of plot prevented them from death by strange plants from J.K. Rowling's deep recesses of her mind. Tails continued chasing Lola as fast as he could, and they both ended up in a basketball court in the same park. Whenever Tails entered the basketball court, he tripped on a basketball and sent it flying across the entire court, making it bounce off of the high metal fences and turning it from a basketball into a dangerous ping-pong ball. Lola jumped onto the basketball at one point and somehow got up the wooden stairs leading to the main road of the park by doing so. Tails continued to chase after her, until Lola ran off the road back onto the grass. Tails, exasperated, followed her, but an armored car then drove up. Tails saw the letter W grab the letter T in a shotgun-style position. Then, as if anything couldn't get weirder, W began firing bullets out of the letter T. While Tails avoided these bullets from a freaking DRIVE-BY caused by letters of the alphabet (wow, I really did just say that…), Lola continued to run farther away. Tails climbed up a tree and began running along the branches to catch up to Lola. Lola ran back into the park, and Tails jumped down, about to catch her. Of course, as soon as Tails was close to reach her, the bullet train burst from the ground and smacked Tails high into the sky. Tails opened his eyes and saw that he was almost 50 miles into the sky. Tails screamed as he began falling down, but he managed to maneuver himself so he could land on a trampoline in Nick's neighbor's yard. Tails was against launched into the air, and he then saw Lola running up a hill away from the park, which was leading to Nick's school. Tails managed to safely land on some innocent people without harming himself, and he continued chase. Lola ran onto the main road, but this large block of descriptive text blocked her way. Tails walked up behind her, finally sighing in joy.
"It's over…WAIT!" Tails screamed, before he realized what damage he had done. The above-paragraph of text disappeared as soon as Tails talked, and Lola continued to run away. As if things couldn't get worse, the giant truck from Sonic Adventure 2: Battle (in the City Escape level, for those who don't know) began driving behind Tails. And, of course, a drunk guy on his cell phone was driving the truck. Tails SOMEHOW outran the truck, although it seemed to follow him and Lola wherever he went.
"How is this guy so drunk that he's crashing into everything on the road, yet he's so sober he can manage to follow Lola and I wherever we go?" Tails wondered out loud. The words "SHUT UP" appeared at the bottom of the screen, before the giant truck ran them over and flattened them. The letters W and T returned, and W grabbed the squished letter T, flattened it out, and began firing bullets at the giant truck. The giant truck exploded, and then it began raining flaming meteors. Lola made a sharp left and began running down a steep hill. The drive-by-causing W tried to follow, but was engulfed in flames, and their car exploded, effectively killing 2 letters of the alphabet. Tails made a sharp left also, managing to avoid the fire and flames, but he also heard a strange guitar solo as he thought of that. A tire began bouncing down (Which oddly looked like the letter O from before), and Tails accidentally jumped atop of it. Tails then gained much speed, about to get to Lola…until he zoomed past her and ran into a "Fail" sign. Lola ran past, going up the now-steep hill, since they were in a gulley. Tails got up, very dizzy, before shaking out the stars in his eyes and continuing the chase. Tails got to the top of the steep hill, only to see Lola run down ANOTHER steep hill away from him. Tails grabbed a children's bike from someone's driveway, making one kid begin crying. As soon as the kid began crying, the kid's mom opened the door and sent out a Rottweiler after Tails…because that's what you do when someone steals your son's bike. You send a Rottweiler after them.
"OH, COME ON!" Tails screamed, now pedaling as fast as he could. Lola began running up another steep hill, and Tails knew that he wouldn't be able to escape the Rottweiler. Of course, just as Tails realized this, he heard a familiar rumbling sound. Tails and the Rottweiler turned around and saw the flaming giant truck, STILL SOMEHOW FUNCTIONING. Tails ran as fast as he could, since it would be useless to ride a bike up a steep hill. The Rottweiler ran off, scared of the flaming truck. Eventually, Tails reached the top of the hill, and made a sharp left. The flaming truck flew over the intersection Tails just left, and it ended up rolling down the side of a hill, eventually crashing into a large kerosene tank that just happened to be powering the World's Largest Grill. The resulting explosion sent a plume of flame into the sky that began to take form as someone…until the words "GET BACK TO THE PLOT" appeared. The words "GET BACK TO THE PLOT" then conglomerated into a large Katamari and began following Tails. The Rottweiler then returned, chasing the large Katamari, thinking it was a tennis ball made of the alphabet. Many other dogs began following as well, leading everything to a strange line that went along the lines of Lola being chased by Tails on a bike being chased by a Katamari being chased by a pack of angry dogs. Then, the police decide to get involved and they began to follow Tails and the rest, not because of the sheer chaos, but because Tails was driving without a license. Lola made a sharp left again, heading inside an IGA grocery store. Tails followed through, still riding his bike. The Katamari rolled past, now growing into a bigger ball as it gathered more cars. The Katamari left the scene, providing the reader with some relief of this, as the Nostalgia Critic would call it, mindfcuk. Of course, the insaneness continued whenever the pack of dogs followed Tails into the IGA since dogs were meant to hunt foxes…even though Tails was 8, but who cares? Anyways, Lola ran into the frozen foods section, and was about to be caught by Tails since she stopped to lick up some ice cream, until the POLICE CARS BURST IN THROUGH THE WALL. Lola and Tails didn't get hurt, although now Tails was trapped on a kid's bicycle between two stupid policemen and several hungry dogs. Tails then winged it and performed a move that would make Tony Hawk jealous, as Tails did a backflip out of nowhere and flew over the columns of groceries into the next aisle. Tails pedaled off, coming across Lola again. The policemen then began to fire at Tails, and one grabbed his radio.
"ALL UNITS DISPATCH TO THE IGA! HIT-AND-RUN SUSPECT IN HIGH SPEED CHASE IN THE MEAT AND BEANS SECTION OF THE IGA!" the officer shouted, before continuing to fire bullets at an 8-year-old human Tails and a dog. Tails and Lola rounded a corner, avoiding the bullets momentarily, before the Kool-Aid man against burst in through the wall, screaming "OH, YEAH!" This was of no surprise, as Tails and Lola had rounded the corner into the drinks section. Tails then threw a bottle of Sunny D at the Kool-Aid man, just to keep him distracted. The Kool-Aid man got into a karate stance as he began beating the crap of the inanimate Sunny D bottle. The policemen then surrounded the Kool-Aid man and arrested him, somehow mistaking the Kool-Aid man for an 8-year-old human. Tails and Lola ran outside again, with Tails still riding on his bike. The police cars from before burst out of the windowed front of the IGA, and they began driving off with the Kool-Aid man tied up in a wooden crate behind the police car. Of course, the gang of dogs also jumped out of the broken glass and continued to chase Tails. Tails and Lola made a sharp right, now going back to the intersection where Lola had first ran onto the main road. Lola ran down the hill leading to the park, and Tails was about to follow whenever the Katamari from before rolled up to him at breakneck speeds. Tails performed a move from the Matrix (consequently making Neo look like a child while doing so), and he dodged the Katamari, although the bike got sucked into the Katamari, along with the pack of dogs. Tails continued chasing after Lola, until the bullet train from before came out of a sewer grate and began trying to freaking attack Tails. Tails managed to dodge the bullet train by jumping atop of it, and he would've stayed there, had the weird plant creature from Harry Potter not have screamed again. Tails flew off the suddenly paralyzed train and landed in the middle of an unoccupied baseball field…except for one person who was standing on a home plate. Tails saw Lola run across the field heading for the gravel pathway that led behind Nick's house, but the man on home plate turned around.
"DR. OCTAGONAPUS, BLAHHH!" Dr. Octagonapus shouted, firing a Shoop Da Whoop that Tails dodged. The plant thing and the bullet train didn't, however, and they were both destroyed. The Katamari then flew into the air and landed right in front of the bullet train, picking up that train as well. Dr. Octagonapus tried to fire his laser at it, but he instead got sucked into the Katamari as well, and he began firing his laser, creating a SWIRLING BALL OF PURE EVIL. Tails screamed and continued running, being chased by the Katamari as he did so. Then the angry mom from before drove by in an SUV, and the letter W, which was riding in the same car as the mom, pulled out a bazooka and began firing it at the Katamari. This didn't destroy the Katamari; it just made it bigger. Tails and Lola again ran up the hill behind Nick's backyard, and the Katamari tried to follow. However, the Katamari hit a squirrel and exploded in a ball of ice, because we didn't need it anymore. The mom and the letter W got the kid's bike back instead of just trusting the police to get it themselves, and the kid wasn't happy that his bike was all mangled and torn up. Dr. Octagonapus flew off somewhere, and Tails and Lola ended up in Nick's backyard. Tails fell over, completely drained of all his energy. Lola then was about to continue running, and then Tails lost it.
"LOLA!" Tails shouted. Lola stopped and turned around, staring at Tails. Then…the music from the Sparta Remixes everyone knows so well today began playing.
"COME…HERE…LOLA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!" Tails began, going through the entire Sparta Remix in that context. Since I'm too lazy, we'll skip to the end. Tails was breathing heavily, and Lola just tilted her head in confusion before turning around. Tails just fell to the ground, crying.
"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! I can't even catch a dog…and I was supposed to be helping save my own world from Eggman last time…I can't ever win…" Tails sadly muttered, before he remembered about Cosmo again. Tails then began crying, and Lola heard and trotted back to him. Lola whined a bit, before she rolled over onto her back so Tails could pet her stomach. Tails just smiled at Lola acting all cutesy, and Lola finally stopped running. (THANK SWEET GOD!) Tails, after petting Lola for a bit, decided to take "Man's Best Friend" upstairs onto the deck and inside. As soon as Tails got inside, Lola plopped down on her comfy pillow and fell asleep. Tails fell asleep on the couch, still feeling sad, but he wasn't going to let it bother him…not today.
A couple hours passed, and Tails was still sleeping. This was changed whenever Knuckles slammed through the front door and painfully landed on the stairs. An angry Rouge and Shadow walked in, with Shadow holding a crowbar.
"What the hell was that in Biology, Knuckles!" Shadow screamed. Lola began whining and she pounced atop Knuckles, licking him profusely as he screamed "RAPE!"
"Knuckles, I swear, if you EVER try anything like that again, you'll be the last of the echidnas!" Rouge growled, before going upstairs to take a shower. Sonic and Nick both walked in, scared out of their minds.
"I cannot believe Knux did that…" Sonic whispered.
"Too bad I didn't have a video camera," Nick replied.
"Let's never speak of this again," Sonic suggested.
"Good idea," Nick agreed. A picture of two crocodiles with bones going through their nostrils appeared, and the words "BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT" appeared. Nick turned to Tails, who was now stretching out.
"Hey, Tails. Anything interesting happen today?" Nick asked.
"Nah, not really," Tails replied. Then the newspeople on the TV came on.
"This just in: a bullet train crash has been confirmed, an IGA store was vandalized, the Kool-Aid man is in jail on the accusations of attempted murder and grand theft bicycle, the World's Largest Grill has been destroyed in a fire, and PETA has rescued several dogs from a gulley near the local park. More at 7," the newscaster reported. Nick just stared at the screen.
"I guess THAT'S where Dr. Octagonapus was all day. I'm never giving him another vacation ever again…" Nick sighed.
- This chapter was the first to introduce Tails's obsession with Cosmo.
- This chapter was also the first to introduce the Cosmo Cardboard Cutout.
- This chapter has been considered so insane that in later chapters, even though no one other than Tails had any idea what transpired, people would refer to something insane or about to become insane as a "Chapter 11."
- The Big-Lipped Alligator Moment shown at the end of the chapter was a reference to the Nostalgia Critic.
- This is the first chapter in which it stars Tails; this was done mainly because Tails could not attend the high school.
- In this chapter, a bullet train occasionally appears and smashes into things. This joke was used used in the popular asdfmovie2, which was published on YouTube.com AFTER SRC was published.