Chapter Sixteen: Shadow Vs. The Ultimate Life...Forms!
THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 11:07 A.M. AND 11:00 P.M. ON 10/10/2009
Shadow was sitting in a chair on the deck, listening to some MP3 music on Nick's MP3 Player. Nick walked onto the deck, saw this, and did a facepalm.
"Shadow! That's my MP3! I don't use any of your stuff!" Nick complained. Shadow just turned to Nick.
"We don't HAVE anything you could possibly use," Shadow corrected. Nick then swiped Shadow's shade, making the sun give a harsh glare into Shadow's eyes, forcing Shadow to seek shadows in the shade since his shades were stolen by someone who has a clone from the shadows. INFERNOX then was hit with the bowling ball from whatever chapter that one was introduced with as a gag, and he continued the plot.
"Give me back my shades," Shadow demanded.
"Give ME back my MP3," Nick retorted. Shadow and Nick stood there in an interlocking gaze that probably would've gone on for a long while, at least until Amy and Sonic came outside. This didn't break Shadow and Nick's gaze; it was the fact that they both came outside, not bickering, not fighting, and actually happy that did the deed. Somewhere in the world, a puppy died because of this.
"Shadow, you're not going to beleive this!" Sonic shouted in happiness.
"You and Amy are dating?" Shadow wondered.
"Amy found a new boyfriend?" Nick asked.
"The economy is fixed?" Alex asked, randomly appearing by hanging over the side of the roof as he did so. Everyone stared at Alex.
"How did you-?" Amy wondered. Alex sighed, then explained his story.
"I was at my house playing video games whenever some evil aliens abducted me and tried to perform experiments on me, but then I escaped them as they returned to the mystical state of South Dakota to plot their revenge. And then I landed in the park back there where I was attacked by the Jonas Brothers. Then I escaped on foot and climbed up here and they never found me. After that, three guys were kicked out of Nick's basement, but I couldn't see who they were," Alex explained. Everyone stood there, staring.
"...Alex. That never happened," Nick sighed.
"Yes it did! I'm totally not on drugs, I swear!" Alex yelled. This earned another awkward silence.
"Um...so..." Nick tried to begin, before Alex continued yelling.
"I didn't know where the heroin came from!" Alex cried.
"Alex, we're trying to-!" Nick continued.
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Alex interrupted, throwing down a smoke bomb. Of course, the smoke bomb didn't explode, but just let out a small hiss of steam. Alex then got a bucket of water, pulled out a flamethrower, and began lighting the water bucket so he could create more steam. Whenever the desired steam effect was granted, everyone silently waited until the smoke cleared. Alex was still standing there.
"Oh, wait, I was supposed to run while the smoke was up, wasn't I?" Alex drawled.
"Alex, I have three things to point out to you that made no freaking sense, even on my standards. Number One) why would you assume your best friends, who have no connections to the police whatsoever, would assume you had heroin on you? Number Two) why in the name of God would you carry around a smoke bomb? And Number Three) even if you SOMEHOW managed to make Numbers 1 & 2 plausible, then how, HOW THE HELL, did you manage to conceal a flamethrower AND a bucket of water behind your back without using your hands or an agrro space?" Nick asked. Everyone stood there, staring.
"...I'm a ninja," Alex shouted, jumping off the roof as he did so. Of course, Alex mistimed his jump and hit into a tree branch, which flipped him into the air into another tree branch. Alex then began to fall down the tree, hitting into various tree branches and tree-related items until he landed face-first on the hard ground. Nick and the others watched, and they heard a barely audible, "OH MY F***ING GOD THAT HURT!" from Alex. Alex then tried to get up, before he staggered a bit to his left. Alex began to run, which was a bad idea since he was still disoriented. Alex then ran right into a tree. Alex then pushed himself back, and continued running, before he ran into another tree.
"TEH TREES! DEY BE EVERYWHERE!" Alex screamed, before running into more trees.
"Considering that the area behind my backyard is a forest, I'm not suprised," Nick sighed. "Come on guys. Let's go get Alex before he hurts someone."
(While off-screen...) "HEY! A FISH!" Alex screamed, before many gunshots were heard. Nick looks in terror.
"OH MY GOD HE'S SHOOTING BULLET BILLS OUT OF A FLAMETHROWER!" Nick shouted.
"...can we tell our news now?" Sonic asked, exasperated.
"Okay, go ahead," Shadow sighed. "Nick, go ahead and take care of Alex."
"Got it!" Nick agreed. Nick then jumped into the air and began flying, while flapping his hands like an idiot and going "TWEETWEETWEETWEETWEETWEET" as he did so.
"Oh my god, a BoBoBo-Bo-BoBoBo reference? I never thought'd we stoop THAT low," Shadow sighed.
"Did you even say that right?" Sonic wondered.
"Who cares?" Shadow sighed. "Now, about your news..."
"There's going to be a concert in the park tonight! And Sonic got me a ticket!" Amy shouted in glee. Amy then ran off to the park to secure a good spot in the front row, even though it was, like, 11:10 in the morning and the concert didn't start until 7 P.M.
"Why did you-?" Shadow asked.
"Cuz now the night is free for me!" Sonic laughed, hooting in joy. Shadow sighed.
"You know...she's probably the only girl that will accept you," Shadow pointed out. "I mean, sure there are so many other chicks out there, but its never as satisfying being with them unless you know them for a long time."
"When did you get so introspective?" Sonic wondered.
"Ever since I was seperated from Rouge for so long...I missed her," Shadow sighed. Sonic was genuinely surprised, and he tapped Shadow's shoulder.
"Hey, don't be sad man. She's here now," Sonic reminded Shadow.
"Thanks, Sonic," Shadow thanked, actually using Sonic's name for once in a non-insulting way. Then the Nostalgia Critic appeared.
"Are you trying to have a moment? Cuz after a moment like THIS-" (points to Nick flapping his arms earlier with the BoBoBo reference)-"IT'S KIND OF HARD TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!" the Nostalgia Critic screamed. Ignoring that reference, Knuckles and Rouge then walked onto the deck and saw Shadow sad.
"What's up, Shadow?" Rouge asked. Shadow then impulsively grabbed Rouge's head and began making out with her on the spot. Sonic was partially-surprised, but he left the two alone. Sonic walked up to Knuckles, who was thoroughly confused...which is all the time, so...yeah.
"I wonder if Shadow is right..." Sonic mumbled.
"About what?" Knuckles asked.
"Should I actually give Amy a shot? I mean, she is cute," Sonic mentioned. Knuckles's eyes then exploded.
"OH MY GAWD!" Knuckles screamed, running off the side of the deck, into Nick's front door, and running down the street, screaming that the world will end.
"No, that's gonna happen in a later chapter...but then the world will get fixed somehow," INFERNOX spoiled for the hell of it. Sonic just stared at the freaked-out Knuckles, before shrugging and going inside to see Tails.
Meanwhile, inside Nick's room, Tails was again dancing with the Cosmo cutout, until he heard Sonic calling for him. Kissing the Cosmo cutout goodnight (I'm scaring myself here), Tails put her back in the closet and approached Sonic.
"Hey, Sonic. What's up?" Tails wondered.
"Tails, thanks to Shadow, I've been wondering...should I start dating Amy?" Sonic asked. Tails, for some reason drinking a glass of water that wasn't there before, spat it out, and he ran outside, screaming. It wasn't long before he caught up to Knuckles.
"DUDE, DID YOU HEAR!" Tails screamed.
"YEAH! YOU!" Knuckles shouted.
"YEP!" Tails answered. They both then continued to run away, screaming.
Alex was still running into trees, but this time Alex tripped over a rock and began falling down a steep hill, before crashing into a sewer grate. Alex lied there, stunned. Nick, still doing the predictable BoBoBo joke, flew over Alex and landed on him. It should be noted that, when Nick landed on Alex, Alex emitted a squeak noise, like in a rubber chew toy. Nick then began looking around for Alex.
"Now, where could Alex be?" Nick wondered.
"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!" Alex shouted.
"Oh hey! A plot device!" Nick shouted, running towards a concert stage in the middle of the baseball field in the park. Alex just sighed. Nick ran all the way up to the front of the stage, and saw various band equipment and devices being set up. Amy was already in the seats, sitting in the middle-front row, excitedly giggling.
"Amy, what's going on here?" Nick wondered.
"Sonic got me a ticket for this concert, and I got the best seat!" Amy giggled.
"Concert for what?" Nick asked.
"THE JONAS BROTHERS!" Amy announced.
"Oh, okay," Nick answered, walking away. Before long, Nick then realized what Amy said.
"WHAT THE FU-!" Nick began, before causing a WTF bomb joke. Nick then ran up to Amy.
"AMY, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND! THE JONAS BROTHERS WILL HYPONTIZE AND DESTROY YOU!" Nick screamed.
"Yeah, right!" Amy disagreed. "Even though you've obviously been in this world longer than me and know more about it than me, that doesn't mean you know boy bands like I do!"
"YOU JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT A BOY BAND WAS THIS MORNING AT BREAKFAST!" Nick screamed, going into a flashback.
"Hey, are the Jonas Brothers a boy band?" Amy randomly asked Shadow.
"Yep," Shadow answered.
"See? I have a PERFECTLY plausible reason!" Amy giggled.
"Well, you enjoy your demise. I'm going to go develop a strike force using the smartest minds available! And by that, I mean I need more randomness!" Nick screamed, running past Amy and running over Alex...again. Amy just rolled her eyes and continued to wait.
"Okay, Sonic. Mr. Blue Blur. You can do this. Just get yourself all prepped up for the question...hoo," Sonic sighed. Sonic then went into the porcelain bathtub in Nick's bathroom. Breathing heavily, Sonic began to get himself ready to take a bath so he can prep himself for later tonight. Whenever Sonic got himself into the tub (skipping the stripping part, Sonic fangirls. You know who you are), Sonic began to relax a bit...until he heard Tails and Knuckles screaming. Opening the one-way window and looking down on the deck, Sonic saw Tails and Knuckles standing there, babbling like idiots...is there a better comparison than that?
"SONIC! YOU CAN'T DATE AMY!" Tails screamed.
"IF YOU DO THE WORLD WILL END!" Knuckles shouted. Sonic just shut the window.
"Can't change my mind," Sonic mumbled.
"But, Sonic-!" Tails's voice shouted, muffled a bit by the closed window.
"Shut up!" Sonic screamed back. Some shuffling down on the deck was heard, followed by silence. "Jeez. Don't those guys know I'm busy spoiling myself?" Sonic asked himself.
(NOTE: to understand the following, watch this video. Make sure to backspace the spaces. www. YouTube. com/ watch? v=lsHN6lMv_v0 Sonic is Squidward, Tails is SpongeBob, and Knuckles is Patrick. Works, doesn't it? XD)
After that screaming Sparta Remix (and the subsequent Shoop Da Whoop), a somehow uninjured Tails and Knuckles grabbed Sonic and lifted him up out of the water, shaking him violently so they could knock the sensibility back into him. And there were bubbles covering the crotch area. Get those thoughts out of your heads, fangirls.
"SONIC! COME BACK TO US!" Knuckles cried.
"WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU!" Tails shouted.
Knuckles dropped Sonic and he landed in the tub. Sonic's eyes spun around for a second, until Sonic looked back up.
"Okay! FINE! I won't date Amy!" Sonic growled. "Now let me take my bath in peace!"
"Alright, Sonic won't date Amy!" Tails laughed. Tails then left the bathroom quickly, but Knuckles stayed.
"Knuckles, leave," Sonic growled.
"But I have to pee..." Knuckles complained.
Outside the house, from Shadow's view, both he and Rouge heard Sonic scream, "GET OUT!" before kicking Knuckles out the window. Knuckles landed on the deck, smashing his head into the deck. Of course, this caused no brain damage.
Nick was already dialing on his cell phone. Whenever Nick put the cell phone to his ear, the screen split into 6 sections. Nick was in the lower-left of the six. 5 other cell phones in the other parts of the screen began ringing. In the upper-left was Sean. On the middle-top was Steven. On the top-right was Neil. The bottom-right section had Justin, and the bottom-middle section had Alex. Everyone grabbed their cell phones and stopped what they were doing. (Apparently Sean had stopped playing Castlevania on his Wii system, Steven had stopped playing Halo 3: ODST on his Xbox 360, Neil was on the can, Justin was running for some unexplanable reason, and Alex was still sitting on the sewer grate from before.)
"GUYS! Major issue!" Nick shouted over the phone.
"What?" everyone asked at once.
"Wait, is this a major line?" Neil wondered.
"Neil is that you?" Justin asked.
"No, I just said that," Steven marked.
"I thought I just said that," Sean noted.
"Shut up, Nick!" Steven screamed.
"What do you mean?" Nick noted. "I was just waiting for you guys to-!"
"Stephon, be quiet!" Justin shouted.
"STEPHON'S NOT ON THIS LINE!" Neil screamed.
"Well, Batman is!" Sean retorted.
"Shut up, Sean!" Steven and Neil shouted at the same.
"Guys, what's going on?" Alex tried to figure out. (At this point, Nick was becoming progressively annoyed to the breaking point.)
"Shut up, Mike!" Justin yelled.
"Idiots. Mike isn't here," Steven sighed.
"Was that you Sean?" Alex asked.
"No, I'm over here," Neil wondered. "Oh, wait, you were talking to him, Steven..."
"No I didn't say anything," Steven sighed.
"Guys, can I talk now?" Alex asked. Nick then, quite literally, PUNCHED EVERYONE IN THE FACE THROUGH THE PHONE LINE AT THE SAME TIME. Not only did this DEFY physics, but it also was illogical since Nick can't punch 5 people with one fist at the same time, but whatever. What did you expect this fic to do? Get serious?
"GUYS, LISTEN TO ME! I AM FREAKING SERIOUS!" Nick screamed.
"As opposed to regularly serious," Neil joked. Neil was punched in the face over the phone a second time.
"Listen! You guys like blowing stuff up! There's a concert in the park behind my house tonight, and I fear for the worst; I need you to blow it up!" Nick demanded.
"Nick, it can't be that bad..." Steven sighed.
"It's the Jonas Brothers," Nick revealed. Nick expected everyone to start freaking out. Instead, they did the exact opposite and stood there quietly.
"Guys?" Nick asked.
"Nick, just because a boy band is playing in the park doesn't mean you have to listen nor care," Neil explained.
"...okay, there's two problems here: 1) Amy is going to that concert, and she might get hypnotized into destroying us all. And considering what's been going on for the past 2 weeks, I wouldn't be suprised. And 2) I go literally insane when I hear their music to the point of me trying to suck everything into the lunchbox. I hate their music THAT much. Do you really want that to happen?" Nick explained.
"...maybe," Justin added on. Nick then grabbed everyone from the other side of the phone line, pulled them through the phone line, and made them pop out of Nick's cell phone on the deck.
"Was that necessary?" Neil asked. ("Please get off of my spine," Alex pleaded.)
"Yes. Yes it was," Nick answered. "TO WAR!"
"...I hate this fic..." Steven sighed, doing a headdesk on the ground as he did so.
"Heh. Talk about idiots," Sonic chuckled to himself. "Amy's going to be mine tonight."
"Wait, you're actually..." INFERNOX gasped, before getting some popcorn.
"...okay, let's see if Nick has any fancy clothing in his closet..." Sonic said out loud. Sonic opened Nick's closet door, and was greeted with a badly-drawn painting of a stone gargoyle holding a torch.
"Come on in here..." the gargoyle painted growled. Sonic screamed and slammed the door shut.
"Okay, Plan B! Wear cool-looking clothes!" Sonic talked out loud. Sonic opened Nick's dresser drawer and pulled out a short sleeve T-shirt. Putting on the T-Shirt over a white muscle shirt Sonic had on, Sonic also grabbed a cool-looking coat that looked more like a sweatshirt than a coat. Sonic also grabbed some sunglasses and put them on; taking a look in the mirror Sonic was impressed with how he looked.
"Alright! I'm gonna knock 'em dead!" Sonic said to himself reassuredly.
"Totally what she said!" the gargoyle painting insulted. Sonic just stared angrily at the door before walking out of Nick's room in a cool fashion.
The time had skipped to later that night. The sky was an inky black, signaling winter was coming soon, since it was only 7 PM and already it was extremely dark. Various young girls were all screaming, cheering for the Jonas Brothers to go on stage. Amy was still in her front seat, cheering as well. The silhouttes of the Jonas Brothers were seen backstage, preparing for their debut here in Nick's...town that is never specified. (Sigh)...and as for everyone else? Well...
"Okay, here's the plan! Knuckles starts off by causing a fangirl fight in the back, and Tails helps escalate it throughout the crowd. Sonic, you go and try to save Amy from all this chaos whenever you see the fight get close to her! Neil, Justin, and Steven shall mess with the lighting and electricity for the stage. Sean, Shadow, Rouge: you three will go and deal with the security guards! As for me and Nick, we shall go directly to the source of chaos and end this!" Alex announced. Everyone stood there, gaping.
"...Alex, this might actually work," Nick complimented.
"I DON'T HAVE COCAINE!" Alex whined. Nick pimp-slapped Alex across the face.
"Pull it together, we already did your new recurring gag for the chapter," Nick sighed. Nick then turned back towards everyone.
"Okay, guys! You heard what Alex said! Let's end this!" Nick shouted.
"When did you become the leader?" Shadow asked, eyes half-open.
"Whenever pigs could fly," Nick answered.
"They can't," Neil pointed out.
"What about swine flu?" Nick wondered. A drum riff was then heard.
"...that joke sucked..." Sonic sighed.
"WHATEVER! ON TO THE ASSAULT!" Nick screamed, running towards the stage as he did so. Alex followed Nick, while everyone else went off to their respective positions. Behind stage, the Jonas Brothers got ready to perform.
"Okay, let's get ready to show our fans our music!" Joe Jonas laughed.
"Yeah, and since this is the next important town on our tour, we will hypnotize more people into following our cult clan!" Nick Jonas giggled in a girly way.
"HEIL JONAS!" Kevin Jonas screamed.
"Okay, let's go-!" Nick Jonas began, before Nick and Alex kicked open the door to the backstage...even though there was no door.
"HOLD IT, JONAS BROTHERS!" Alex shouted.
"Oh, no!" Joe Jonas shouted, sounding oddly like the possibly gay guy from Family Guy as he said so. (Not Herbert or Brian's brother, the other one.)
"You give Nick's everywhere a bad name! Time to end this!" Nick shouted. At that moment, Steven had successfully shut off the electric lights showing the Jonas Brothers's silhouttes from the crowd's point-of-view.
"Hey! What's going on?" one fan shouted.
"What happened to the Jonas Brothers?" another fan shouted.
Knuckles then ran through the crowd, telling one person that someone else thought that the Jonas Brothers sucked. This successfully caused a catfight, and thanks to Tails, it escalated throughout the whole crowd. Sonic ran quickly into there, and pulled Amy out. Amy, of course was too shocked by the disappearance of the lights to notice. Many security guards began to rush towards the crowd, until Shadow and Rouge began beating them all away, while Sean kept scaring them and throwing them off-guard with his jokes centering around Castlevania, Godzilla, or Batman. Back behind the stage, each of the Jonas Brothers were flailing their musical instruments around, trying to hit Nick and Alex. Nick, at one point, jumped onto a wall, flipped backwards, and knocked Joe Jonas over. Alex, using the power of tripping-on-his-own-shoelace, was able to defeat Nick Jonas easy; apparently by doing so, Nick Jonas broke a nail. Kevin Jonas was the most difficult, as he was spinning rapidly, trying to hit Nick and Alex into a wall. Shadow (after having punched a security guard into the mob of Jonas fangirls) ran behind stage. Sonic also ran up, wanting to see how Nick and Alex were doing in their part of the mission.
"Come on, guys! We've got to move!" Shadow informed. Nick and Alex both got distracted by this and were smacked into a non-existent wall...which meant they were smacked with a heavy guitar onto the floor. Shadow and Sonic both saw this, but Shadow was the first to react, kicking Kevin Jonas away easy. Joe Jonas got up, and went next to Kevin Jonas, smirking.
"Stop your lame music now! We don't want any more hypnotizing!" Shadow commanded.
"Heh. You think you are so powerful? You think you got game?" Kevin Jonas began.
"We'll show you our music isn't lame!" Joe Jonas rhymed.
"...stop it..." Shadow growled.
"What? You want us to stop our rhyming?" Kevin Jonas asked rhetorically.
"We can't help it if we have extraordinary timing," Joe Jonas remarked.
"...stop this now, before I get angry..." Shadow warned.
"Angry? As if. We're stronger than you!" Kevin Jonas insulted.
"And our powers of hypnotizing will sway your girlfriend to our side, too!" Joe Jonas threatened, pressing a button and revealing Rouge; apparently she was captured by one of the security guards.
"THAT'S IT! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, AND ALREADY I'M SICK OF YOU!" Shadow screamed, his anger blowing down the curtains hiding them from the crowd. The fangirl crowd stopped screaming (making everything dead silent) and watched on with gaping mouths.
"YOU WANNA THROW DOWN! WELL, I'LL THROW YOU DOWN! DJ, SPIN DAT (bloooop)!" Shadow screamed. Stephon, making a pointless cameo, begins spinning some records on a scratch table.
"Okay...yeah...here in the park behind Nick's house..." Shadow began rapping. "All the Jonas fans are gonna cry, cause now I'll make sure your music will die! All the Jonas fans are gonna cry, cause now I'll make sure your music will die!"
Everyone was staring at Shadow, amazed. "Ultimate Shadow is here; here to put you back on your trike! You can't sing for (bloop), now drop the mic! You sing songs that are idiotically lame, claiming that your songs give you wimps game! Your singing sounds truly like a dying man; you don't even have a Number One fan! Now, I understand you freaks think you're great, so here's my rival Sonic to add onto your slate!"
"Yeah, it's me, Speedy Sonic. I'm good at...running fast?" Sonic asked.
"Okay, never mind. I'll take that shout-out back. As far as rapping goes, Sonic don't got jack. Now remember my lesson and remember it well: my guns and I will send you straight to hell! You're acting all suprised, well keep your mouths shut! So sit back, relax, and SHUT THE F*** UP!" Shadow screamed AND rapped. As soon as Shadow did that, the ground EXPLODED beneath the Jonas Brothers and sent them flying into the air. Shadow then turned towards the crowd.
"WORD!" Shadow ended, dropping the mic in front of him on purpose. A large but short feedback squeal happened, and everyone didn't flinch. Other than the crackling flames after that, everything was silent.
"...I guess that's where I put my dynamite..." Sean mumbled. One fangirl began clapping, followed by another, and another, until the entire crowd was clapping for Shadow. Shadow looked on at the crowd of fangirls.
"SHADOW! SHADOW! SHADOW! SHADOW!" each of the fangirls cheered. Rouge ran up to Shadow and hugged him on stage. All the fan continued cheering. Shadow, partially annoyed by this, grabbed the mic again.
"**** all of you Jonas fans for coming here," Shadow insulted. This created the fangirls to scream even louder, and it also created the first attempted South Park reference ever in this fic. Nick and the others stared on in shock.
"Well, this certainly turned out weird for the day," Alex noted.
"Yeah. Well, I'm going to go prepare for DarkSideIncorporated to sue my ass off for using his rap joke..." Nick sighed, walking off to his home as he did so.
"Well, I guess that's it for today," Sean sighed.
"See ya, everyone," Neil said. Everyone then departed, heading for home...or back to Nick's house, in the Sonic character's case.
MEANWHILE, AT THE TOOLSHED-I mean, MEANWHILE, IN CANADA...!
The Jonas Brothers fell from the sky after that sad attempt for a Yu-Gi-Oh GX Abridged reference, and they ended up crashing through a yellow house. One wall of the house collapses, and all the viewer can see is Yorobot in a bathtub. The floor tilts to the ground.
"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, NO!" Yorobot shouted, as the bathtub crashed to the ground outside his house. "...this is Nick-related, I can tell..."
- Yorobot's last line in the chapter is a reference to how Cleveland randomly falls out of his house while inside his tub in the television show Family Guy.
- This is the only video that has a YouTube link for a comical reference point.
- Coincidentally, the YouTube video is a Sparta Remix of Squidward screaming when SpongeBob and Patrick burst into his bathroom.