Chapter Ten: Get Rich Quick
THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 11 A.M. AND 11 P.M. ON OCTOBER 4TH OF 2009
Sonic was gasping, losing breath at every given opportunity. Shadow was gripping his head in pain. Amy was crying profusely. Rouge's eyes were twitching; she felt like she was on the brink of insanity. Tails was beating his head in with a plastic Barbie house Nick's sisters had (where have they been for the last week?) Knuckles was trying to choke himself to death, although it couldn't be accomplished as if Knuckles alone tried to do that with his own fists, he would let go after being knocked unconscious and he would continue breathing…suck on that, physics. But what was causing their endless torment? Nick grimaced himself every time it occurred. Looking on screen, everyone could see the game Sonic The Hedgehog…FOR THE Xbox 360! But what is so bad that everyone was going insane from the game? Was it the glitches? Was it the long loading screens? Was it the plot? Or was it something else, much bigger and controversial than anyone could've ever suspected? That's right, the thing causing everyone so much torment…
…was Silver's voice acting.
"NO WAY!" Silver shouted, eyes crossed like a retard. Knuckles just screamed.
"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP RIGHT NOWWWWWWW!" Knuckles cried. Knuckles then proceeded to run into the stone fireplace multiple times to kill himself, although each attempt didn't work. Sonic then screamed loudly, and he jumped into the dryer in the laundry room (Which was right next to the basement…and he somehow jumped into it from the couch). Shadow, not wanting to pass this up, turned on the dryer, then jumped in as well so he escape from Silver's voice acting. Amy and Rouge both fainted, and Tails got his head stuck into the Barbie house by accident. Fortunately, the cutscene ended, and Nick turned off the 360 in fear of Shadow going insane…especially since Shadow could probably make a chemical bomb from Tide bleach in 5 minutes if he tried. Everyone sighed in relief, and Sonic and Shadow came out, their clothes clean, albeit scraggly.
"Dude, you were right. That WAS terrible," Sonic agreed.
"This game is a piece of crap," Shadow commented. Just then, Neil ran up for no reason.
"IT'S LIKE A KICK IN THE BALLS!" Neil shouted, kicking Shadow in the balls as he did so. Shadow doubled over in pain as Neil left, dropping some Rings as he did so. Nick grabbed the Rings, but since Nick wasn't from Sonic's world, the Rings just stayed solid in Nick's hand.
"Huh…hey, Shadow, how many rings you got?" Nick asked.
"Um…I think I got here with me still about 650 rings," Shadow answered.
"What about the rest of you?" Nick wondered.
"I have 350!" Amy announced.
"I have about 240," Tails counted.
"I still have 678," Sonic checked.
"I have 45,324,679," Rouge bragged.
"Dear God, Rouge! You DO have an obsession over the shiny!" Nick exclaimed.
"I HAVE A ROCK!" Knuckles proclaimed, as he had lost all his rings previously due to his unluckiness of being hit in the balls with an air mattress air machine, being trampled by Amy, being hit in the stomach with a golf ball, being hit in the back with a golf club, being tackled by Nick's puppy Lola, being ran over by a squirrel who pimped his ride, running straight into a wall, bashing his head into the floor, falling onto Alex, stubbing his toe, bruising his brain while trying to understand math, injuring his teeth by eating linoleum tiles, being burned all over his body by chemical burns, being licked to death by Lola AGAIN, being hit in the head by an ecstatic Nick, running into a "Fail" sign repeatedly, being flung into a car (which exploded) by a "Double Fail" sign, slamming into a generic student and causing the Katamari, being hit by the Kool-Aid Man, being beaten down by Nick who was armed with a "Fail" sign, facing the wrath of exploding coffee, being eaten by a mutant volcano blob, landing on a hard floor on his head, being hit in the head with a sponge, having his own jaw go through a floor and a ceiling (which knocked out a teacher), blowing up his own MIND, being knocked out with a frying pan, and having multiple seizures while screaming Perusse and Weird Al jokes in French…in that order.
"…well, okay then. EVERYONE! GIVE ME YOUR RINGS!" Nick demanded.
"No…" everyone answered. Nick sighed, then grabbed a Wiimote and swung it like a boomerang, hitting everyone in the room (Except Knuckles) and making them lose all their rings. Nick then took the rings and ran upstairs. An angry group of animals-turned-humans came upstairs after Nick, but then they saw Nick put all the rings into an envelope (which somehow fit a total count of 45,326,597 gold rings inside) and Nick then gave the envelope to the mailman, who then took off in his mail truck.
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT!" Shadow screamed.
"Because we're all about to become filthy rich!" Nick exclaimed.
"How?" Sonic asked. Just then, the Cash4Gold commercial appeared on the television in the living room, and everyone saw what happened when you sent in rings to any Cash4Gold sponsor. As soon as the advertisement was over with, everyone's eyes lit up. Then they all started dancing in a circle.
"WE'RE GONNA BE RICH, WE'RE GONNA BE RICH!" everyone happily sang…except for Shadow, who was just smirking to himself.
About 3 hours later, a UPS truck drove up the street and parked in front of Nick's house. After having his parents sign a paper, the UPS man gave Nick a large package. Nick and pals all huddled around the package, gleaming brightly. Because they waxed themselves with nail polish earlier for unexplainable reasons, but it might have to do with the fact that nail polish slides pretty well on hardwood floors. But that's another story. Nick got a package opener and carefully slit the packaging tape on the top of the box. Everyone took a deep breath, and then they opened the package.
"DR. OCTAGAONPUS, BLAHHH!" Dr. Octagonapus shouted, firing another laser that hit everyone and charred their faces. "Oh, yeah, and here's money."
Dr. Octagonapus then covered everyone in cash that he throws out of the box really fast, and then he ran outside cackling evilly. Nick and friends were too amazed at the FREAKING GIANT PILE OF 100 DOLLAR BILLS IN FRONT OF THEM TO CARE.
"I've never seen so much money…" Rouge exclaimed.
"Well, I have, but I'm leaving your mom out of this," a voice answered. Rouge turned around angrily, ready to yell at whoever said that, whenever a plunger hit her in the face, sticking to her and blinding her. As Rouge stumbled around confused, everyone turned and saw Justin standing there with a crossbow in his hand.
"What are you doing here, Justin?" Nick asked.
"Wherever there's money, there's me," Justin announced. Everyone went wide-eyed and tried to protect their cash…only to find that it disappeared.
"WHERE'D THE MONEY GO!" everyone shouted at once. Almost immediately afterwards Nick had on a Sherlock Holmes hat, along with a monocle.
"Alright, everyone. After all that's transpired today, I think we have 4 major suspects," Nick announced. Shadow facepalmed.
"And who might they be?" Knuckles stupidly asked.
"Simple. It's either Justin, Shadow, Rouge, or Steven," Nick pointed out. Everyone's jaw dropped.
"Okay, first off: STEVEN ISN'T HERE!" Shadow shouted. Nick then held up Steven, who was chewing on some crackers.
"What? I love crackers," Steven explained.
"And this is why I have a voracious appetite: Steven eats all the fiber here at my house," Nick pointed out. "As for Justin and Rouge, well, they both love cash."
"No, Rouge loves jewels," Amy pointed out.
"Yes, and cash BUYS jewels," Nick reminded. The sheer logic Nick pointed out was enough to make Steven's crackers explode.
"Well, why Shadow?" Sonic asked.
"I dunno; needed a fourth suspect I guess," Nick explained.
"AND WHAT ABOUT YOU! Aren't you a legit suspect since you want to buy the next new Sonic game!" Shadow jeered.
"Actually…I pretty much have every Sonic game, minus some of the old arcade ones, but that doesn't bother me. And I've already seen Sonic Chronicles for the DS. Meh, I didn't really like it all that much," Nick pointed out.
"Well, then where'd the money go-? OH MY SWEET FREAKING GOD!" everyone shouted. As the question was strangely being asked by everyone at the same time, Nick had burped up a dollar bill.
"YOU PIECE OF ********************(wow he's mad)**************!" Shadow shouted so loud it broke the next door neighbor's window. "WHAT WOULD COMPEL YOU TO EAT NEARLY 2 MILLION DOLLAR'S WORTH OF CASH!"
"Oh, well…I sent it to an alternate dimension," Nick pointed out. Before anyone could go bananas, Steven then spoke up.
"Don't tell me you've eaten the money and transferred it to your lunchbox account?" Steven asked.
"His lunchbox account?" Justin speculated. "Dude, we're never gonna get it back now."
"Why?" Knuckles asked.
"Because inside Nick's lunchbox is a parallel dimension haunted by whatever Nick decides he wants to put inside there. Carmen San Diego…Walldo…the stimulus package for the American government…even Amelia Earhart. And his lunchbox realm is protected by Giratina, the legendary Pokemon," Nick ominously stated.
"…this sounds too stupid to be true. Knuckles, you go first," Shadow ordered, pushing Knuckles into Nick's lunchbox that had randomly appeared next to them. Knuckles fell into the lunchbox, SUPRISING THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE.
"…where'd he go?" Rouge asked.
"The Twilight Zone," Nick ominously announced.
About 9 hours later, nearing bedtime for everyone, Knuckles popped out of Nick's showerhead and fell into the bathtub. Knuckles's face was pale, and he felt exposed mentally.
"…I'll be a good boy from now on…" Knuckles whined. Then a "Fail" sign dropped out of the showerhead and smacked Knuckles in the crotch, even though he was lying with his stomach on the ground.
New Characters Introduced
- Silver (albeit cameo-restricted)
- This was the first chapter to introduce the lunchbox. This would later become a recurring gag and plot device in the series.
- Although Silver appears later in the series, he is first mentioned here, along with his "NO WAY!" gag.
- The Sonic gang apparently had gold Rings with them whenever they came to the real world; however, it can be assumed that now they are humans they have no need for the Rings.
- Neil shouting "ITS LIKE A KICK IN THE BALLS" before kicking Shadow and running off is a reference to an internet video of the same design where Silver kicked Mario in the crotch after Mario asked Tails how bad Sonic The Hedgehog (2006) was.