Chapter 3: Sunday Afternoon Football
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 OF 2009 NOON THE DECK LEADING TO THE BACKYARD
Shadow was lying outside, wearing some shades Nick's dad had given him. He was still admittedly curious about this world, but Nick's erratic attitude towards eating food was beyond even the Ultimate Life Form's comprehension. Shadow shuddered as he remembered what Nick had done earlier at breakfast, but all the viewer could see was a crazed Nick with a spork chasing a scared Knuckles, who was holding a bagel.
"What is this world…" Shadow thought. Rouge then walked up and sat down on a chair next to Shadow.
"Hey, Shady. What're you doing?" Rouge asked. Shadow just lifted his shades slightly in a cool fashion.
"Rouge, what is this world? I mean, look at us. We're don't even have our own powers anymore!" Shadow mentioned.
"Yeah, but I think we can make do for now," Rouge added. "Hey, have you seen Knuckles?"
"Not since this morning…" Shadow mentioned.
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" a very terrified Knuckles screamed. Looking over the side of the deck, Rouge and Shadow saw Knuckles running around in a circle being chased by Nick's dog. Knuckles couldn't escape because he was hooked up to the dog's lead, with an embarrassing collar on his neck. Nick just watched, eating his bagel as he did so.
"That's what you get for messing with my foods," Nick sighed.
"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WAS YOUR BAGEL! I GOT DOWNSTAIRS BEFORE YOU!" Knuckles shouted.
"I was using the can, Knuckles," Nick explained. "And that's all the reason I need to attack you."
"NO IT DOESN'T!" Knuckles shouted.
"SILENCE, WORM!" Nick screamed with blood-red eyes. Knuckles was then tackled by Nick's dog, who then started licked Knuckles's face profusely, while Knuckles was screaming, "RAPE! RAPE!"
"Nick! What are you doing?" Shadow asked.
"Making Knuckles pay the unnecessarily violent-like punishment for stealing a bagel that he didn't know was mine," Nick said in one breath. Shadow stood there, then walked away.
"Aren't you gonna help him?" Rouge asked.
"Have him actually PROTECT the Master Emerald for one of our adventures, and I'll help him," Shadow challenged. Shadow then opened the door leading to the kitchen, and he was hit in the face with a football that screamed "TOUCHDOWN!" when it smacked in Shadow's face. An angry Shadow stormed into the living room, leading to two excited parents of Nick watching football.
"Why did this hit me in the skull?" Shadow asked, obviously angry. Nick's mom turned to him.
"Sorry, Shadow. It's just football day!" Nick's mom shouted excitedly. Looking at the widescreen HD TV planted above the fireplace's mantle, Shadow saw many people chasing each other around for a brown ball. One team was black-and-gold in color, while the other was brown-and-orange. Nick's mom was rooting for the black-and-gold team, with Nick's dad rooting for the opposite.
"What's football?" Shadow asked, almost bored. Nick's dad then took the opportunity to explain, as Nick's mom was too busy watching the game.
"Football is basically a sport where you have to get the football to the other side of the field to score 6 points. Kick a field goal after scoring a touchdown and you get an extra point. FAKE a field goal after getting a touchdown and you get two extra points. Or you can just simply kick the ball into the field goal without getting a touchdown for three points. That's just the simple way to score, too," Nick's dad explained. Shadow seemed to be getting the idea.
"Tell me more…" Shadow said, obviously intrigued.
Meanwhile, the executives from BioWare were driving towards SEGA HQ, with a bunch of stealth gear on. Too bad IT WAS MIDDAY.
"Sir, I doubt we can pull out a successful theft in broad daylight, especially in such obvious clothing," one executive mentioned.
"If Sonic can run at the speed of sound and a fox can fly, we can pull this off," the boss adamantly said.
"Sir, Sonic and friends don't exist! There're only made-up! What, you think they can actually be REAL!" one executive implied. That executive was smacked upside the head.
Meanwhile, Knuckles was crying profusely. He had the collar still on him, and he was curled up in a fetal position. Sonic and Tails just looked at the sad excuse for an echidna and sighed.
"Guardian of the Master Emerald, my foot!" Sonic exclaimed. "You're scared of a freaking puppy!"
"It's not my fault! She started it…" Knuckles tried to defend himself, failing in the process. Sonic and Tails just left Knuckles there and they headed up the deck stairs into the living room.
"Man, I'm so bored. What are we gonna do today?" Tails asked Sonic.
"Well, we COULD figure out where we are, then find a way home! But that's OBVIOUSLY not on our top priority list…" Sonic said sarcastically. Tails just sighed and walked into the living room, only to be hit with the same talking football from before. Sonic and Tails looked and saw Shadow on a phone, talking to someone.
"Yeah, yeah, that's 50 bucks on the black-and-gold team…I'm sorry, the STEELERS. There, happy? Okay…okay…fine," Shadow talked, hanging up the phone.
"Shadow, what's going on?" Sonic asked.
"Nothing you need to concern yourself with," Shadow said, shooting down Sonic's conversation by doing so.
"Are you sure?" Sonic asked. Shadow just stared at him with a death glare.
"I think he's sure, Sonic…" Tails added. Just then, Nick came down from upstairs with his cell phone in hand.
"Hey, guys. Just here to give you…a heads…up…?" Nick trailed off, as Sonic, Tails, and Shadow stared at Nick in confusion.
"Weren't you just outside?" Sonic asked.
"Yes. Yes, I was," Nick replied, bored. Ensue the 30 second awkward silence.
"Anyways, I invited my pal Justin to come over and hang out with us today, since I have nothing else to do," Nick informed.
"Oh, yeah," Shadow sighed. "Having people from a different dimension living in your house is TOTALLY boring with nothing to do…"
"Shut up, emo boy," Nick insulted. Shadow then got angry.
"I'm not an emo!" Shadow shouted.
"50 bucks says you're emo if you get hit in the back of the head with a talking football," Nick betted. Shadow turned around and grabbed the football that was ALMOST about to smack him in the back of the head.
"Heh, too easy fo-!" Shadow began, before Nick hit him in the back of his head with a talking football he had. Shadow turned around angry.
"Where's my money?" Nick asked. Shadow just growled and charged off after Nick. Nick then jumped high into the air, hitting his head off the ceiling, and screaming at the same time. Nick ran into his room, heading for a wall headfirst.
"You're just gonna bash your head into a wall. What good would that do?" Shadow asked.
"Simple. Ahem…HEY, KOOL-AID!" Nick shouted. The Kool-Aid man then burst through a wall, shouting "OH, YEAH!" as he did so. Nick just jumped over the Kool-Aid man and ran off outside, with the words "EPIC NICK MANUEVER" appearing on the bottom of the screen. Shadow gave chase, leaving the Kool-Aid man stunned. Nick ran into the backyard, and he ran past a still-screaming Knuckles. Shadow took off after Nick, but he was surprised that Nick was faster than him.
"How can this be…I'm the Ultimate Life…" Shadow uttered. Nick then ran straight up into a tree thick with leaves. Shadow reached the base of the tree and started circling the tree, looking up for Nick. Then, Nick jumped out of the tree and landed on the deck, shouting "MEEP! MEEP!" as he did so. One Road Runner reference later, Nick ran inside the locked the door to the deck. Shadow just stood there, gaping.
"…really? Really?" Shadow sighed, shaking his head.
"SHADOW, HELP ME!" Knuckles screamed. Shadow just looked at Knuckles, who was still flailing around in terror. Of course, this is made even more embarrassing since Nick's dog wasn't even jumping onto him anymore. Shadow just sighed and walked past Knuckles, taking Nick's dog inside as well. Of course, Shadow had to walk all the way back to the hole in Nick's wall to do so. As for Nick, he was lying down on the couch in the living room when the doorbell rang. Opening the door, Nick saw two men in tuxedos standing there, one of which was smoking a fancy cigar.
"Eh, are you the one they call Shadow?" the man not smoking asked.
"Hold on a second! Shadow!" Nick called. Shadow came downstairs, ready to beat down Nick, when he saw the two men.
"Who are you guys?" Shadow asked. The man smoking pulled out a wad of cash totaling 50 bucks. He threw it at Shadow, and Shadow caught it. The two men then left, chuckling in a low tone.
"Huh. I guess I won the bet," Shadow figured out.
"That explains why my parents are shouting over there," Nick pointed out, finally noticing the Steelers had won against the Browns…again. Nick's mom was overjoyed, while his dad was muttering angrily. At that point, a teen walked in Nick's house through the still-open front door. This teen was wearing blue jeans and a dark green t-shirt, and his hair was blonde. His hair seemed to be covering his forehead, nearly down to his eyes.
"Oh, hey, Justin," Nick said casually.
"Good afternoon, Nick," Justin replied. Looking behind Nick, Justin saw the human Shadow.
"Who's your friend?" Justin asked.
"That's Shadow!" Nick replied. Justin just smirked.
"You mean as in…" Justin began, much to Nick's dismay. Before he could finish, Justin saw the wad of cash in Shadow's hand.
"OOH! MONEY!" Justin yelled, eyes lit up. Shadow just held back his cash.
"Nope. I won this fair and square," Shadow explained. Nick then took the cash from Shadow and pocketed it.
"Actually…you still owe me 50 bucks from that bet we had…" Nick explained.
"WHAT BET!" Shadow screamed.
"I said if you got hit in the back of the head with a talking football, you're an emo…" Nick reminded Shadow. Shadow just gaped, eyes, widened, as he realized this. Nick then ran out the front door.
"WHEEEEEE…." Nick screamed, running away with Shadow's cash. Shadow then took chase, screaming gibberish out of pure anger. Justin just shrugged, walked past Nick's parents, and went onto the deck, grabbing a soda as he did so. Justin pulled up a chair next to the deck's banister and watched as Shadow chased Nick throughout his backyard. Justin also saw Sonic and Tails trying to calm down a frantic Knuckles, who was screaming something about dogs.
"Why is it every time I come here, there's something unexplainable going on…?" Justin sighed.
"SONIC!" a familiar girly voice screamed. At that moment, Amy Rose ambushed Sonic by jumping out of the tree mentioned before and landing on Sonic. Sonic then started screaming "RAPE!" as well.
"THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU!" Knuckles exclaimed. Tails just did another facepalm. Sonic got out of Amy's grasp and ran into the somewhat-thick mini-forest behind Nick's house, where Nick was also being pursued by an angry Shadow. Just then, it changed to an rip-off episode of Scooby-Doo when Nick and Sonic both ran from the left cluster of trees to the right cluster of trees, being pursued by their respective antagonists. Then, Nick ran from the right to the left being chased by Shadow. Sonic ran from the left to the right being chased by Amy. Nick ran to the right, then doubled back and ran past Shadow, heading back into the left. Shadow ran into Sonic, and Amy tripped over both of them, crashing into the left. Sonic ran to the right, with Shadow following. A squirrel hopped along the bottom of the screen, and then Nick somehow popped up from the ground, lifting the squirrel above his head.
"How did I get underground?" Nick asked. Sonic then popped up next to him, screaming "SONIC UNDERGROUND!" while doing so. This scared the squirrel, and the squirrel started pelting Sonic with nu…I mean…acorns. Yeah, acorns.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! OW STOP HITTING ME, FOR THE LOVE OF-!" Sonic yelled. An acorn went into Sonic's mouth (…say something and I will kill you…), and he began to choke on it. Amy ran out to Sonic.
"OH NO! Sonic's choking! I guess I need to give him…mouth-to-mouth," Amy said, putting a seductive tone of the last word. Sonic's eyes widened again, and a sound close to a 'meep' was heard.
"Actually, you need to give him the Heimlich Maneuver first…" Nick explained. Amy's eyes lit up.
"That's even better!" Amy shouted in joy. Sonic then spat the acorn out, hitting Amy square in the forehead. Sonic then screamed and dug down the hole he just made. Amy followed, covering both Nick and the squirrel in dirt.
"Well, this is just embarrassing," Nick said.
"You're telling me," the squirrel said in a high-pitched tone. "I've going to be abused like that blue guy is in the next 3 seconds."
"What do you mean?" Nick asked, shaking the dirt off of him and the squirrel as he did so. This notion was answered when Nick's dog, Lola, saw the squirrel and chased after it. The squirrel screamed and ran off, Lola chasing relentlessly. They both ran around Shadow's legs, and consequently tripped him as well. Nick took this opportunity to jump down into the next hole Sonic and Amy had made, digging away. Shadow stood up.
"OKAY! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU CHEAP SQUARE-HEADED ANOMALY!" Shadow shouted. Nick's head then popped up from the overhead cluster of leaves on tree branches.
"I am not cheap!" Nick screamed. Nick then realized that Shadow was already climbing up the tree, so Nick then jumped down and ran into the left cluster of trees, bypassing Lola and the squirrel as he did so. Shadow jumped off after Nick. Then, Sonic came out of the right cluster of trees, being chased by Amy. Then, Shadow popped out of one of holes dug earlier, and the squirrel pops up in the adjacent hole. They both go back down, with that Mario tube noise randomly playing when they did so. Then, Nick ran out of the left cluster of trees being chased by Amy, followed by Sonic being chased by the squirrel, then Shadow being chased by Lola. Then Nick jumped from the tree branches above into one of the dirt holes dug earlier. Lola ran by the right side of the screen, with the squirrel chasing her. Following that was a scene of Shadow chasing Amy (ShadAmy fangirls, rejoice!), with which Sonic was being hunted down by Lola. Then Nick appeared from the right cluster of trees, but he didn't run across the screen. Instead, he went back inside the tree cluster as he saw Shadow running towards him at high speeds. Then, Sonic fell from the tree branches above, and he fell into one of the dirt holes. Of course, this made him go into an endless loop.
"HELP! HELP! THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!" Sonic screamed. Amy then popped out of the second dirt hole that Sonic wasn't falling into. The squirrel was on Amy's head, but jumped off when Lola came at Amy full speed. Lola jumped over Amy's head and chased after the squirrel, when they both disappeared into the right tree cluster.
"Don't worry, Sonic…I'll help you," Amy said creepily. As Sonic wished he had ditched Amy last time they had met, Shadow popped out of the hole Sonic kept falling into (DON'T SAY ANYTHING), and had his head bashed in by the World's Fastest Hedgehog. This K.O.'d both Shadow and Sonic. Amy jumped out of the hole in glee, while Rouge appeared and got Shadow to safety. This meant Rouge carried the K.O.'d Shadow onto the deck. Amy then got Sonic out of the dirt hole.
"Now, what do I do next?" Amy wondered out loud. Alex then ran out from the tree clusters, for some reason, dressed like a clown with army gear on.
"Give him mouth-to-mouth in the basement!" Alex screamed, before being run over by a bullet train that had "HOORAY FOR 3 SECOND CAMEOS!" spray-painted on it. Amy just shrugged and dragged Sonic through Nick's back door into the basement. Lola then ran into the backyard as well, chasing after the squirrel. It was of no surprise to Justin when he saw the squirrel and Lola start circling Knuckles. The squirrel was using Knuckles as an evasive pole, and from the looks of it, Knuckles wasn't going anywhere soon.
"This is just like South Park! Except without someone dying…" Justin pointed out. Nick then ran out of the woods, screaming.
"What's wrong, Nick?" Justin called. Tails also noticed the screaming Nick as he ran past them into the front yard via the side of the house.
"GET OUTTA HERE NOW!" Nick screamed.
"Why?" Justin asked. Almost immediately, a man floating came out of the woods. The floating man had a black jumpsuit on, with thick, black sunglasses on. The man also had four metallic tentacles coming out of his back, along with matted-down orange hair.
"Who's he?" Tails asked.
"DR. OCTAGONAPUS, BLAHHHH!" Dr. Octangonapus, the man, screamed. Just then, a giant Shoop Da Whoop appeared and tried to hit Nick. Nick defended using the 50 bucks he stole from Shadow. Of course, because of pure physics being screwed by the Sonic Team's presence, the 50 bucks was eradicated, and Nick lived. Dr. Octangonapus fled into the woods, cackling evilly. Tails just stared.
"Does this happen a lot?" Tails asked Justin.
"More than you would know. Last week, he got the Kool-Aid man and the Sunny D bottle in a fight to the death that wiped out half of the elementary school!" Justin replied.
"Speaking of school," Nick began, suddenly appeared behind Justin. "…isn't tomorrow Monday?" Nick asked.
"Yep, which means you can stop these fillers and get onto the real action!" Justin replied.
"Totally…what she said…" a semi-conscious Shadow replied.
"Well, I actually meant to ask because my pre-order comes on Tuesday!" Nick announced gleefully. Rouge turned towards him, suspicious.
"Pre-order of what?" Rouge asked.
"You'll see…" Nick replied, laughing as he did so. Justin just walked inside, shaking his head and wondering why he comes over here.
Later that night, the screen showed a blue Knuckles freezing outside. He still had the collar on from before.
"C-c-c-c-can s-s-s-s-s-someone p-p-p-p-please he-help m-m-m-me-e-e-e? It's f-f-f-f-fifty b-b-below out h-h-h-here!" Knuckles asked painfully. Shadow just walked outside with a heat pack on his head.
"Shut up, Knuckles! You're overexaggerating! It's actually FORTY below!" Shadow corrected. Shadow then walked inside and shut the door. Knuckles gaped, before being run over by a unicycle driven by the squirrel.
"Woo-hoo, I just pimped my ride!" the squirrel shouted. An old man with tattered clothes was chasing after the squirrel.
"Gimme back my car, you whippersnapper!" the old man shouted, accidentally spitting out his dentures onto Knuckles. Knuckles just whimpered.
"Oh, sorry, there, miss!" the old man apologized, grabbing his dentures before chasing off after the squirrel. Knuckles just banged his head off the ground, which caused no brain damage whatsoever.
New Characters Introduced
- This chapter could be considered the first "filler chapter" of SRC.
- This chapter has Nick mention to Justin about something involving a pre-order; what the pre-order actually is wraps into the plot of Chapter 5.
- The blue Knuckles that appears in the final scene is, although a joke, a reference to the Blue Knuckles that can be hacked in Sonic 3 and Knuckles.
- This chapter is the first chapter to introduce a running gag and an internet meme in the series.
- When Sonic bursts out of the ground during the Scooby-Doo-esque chase scene, he screams "SONIC UNDERGROUND!" This is a blatant reference to the old television show Sonic Underground, although the way Sonic uses it conflicts with the show's actual premise.