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Hey, all. Skullbuggy here! Some of you may not have been here to see this, but this is ROBUTTNIKS MEAN BEAN MACHEAN. A classic of its time, it has been restored for all to see, for all to marvel in its glory.
This is the story of a man named Dr. REBOTNEK and his assistants, SKRATCH and GRONDER. These three men fought against the republic of Mobius, a land where singing and fun was overabundant. In his anger, REBOTNEK decided to make Mobius less happy by creating the Bean Steamer, a machine made to turn beans into robots. From there, it just gets more powerful. So sit back, relax, and stack some beans.
SKRATCH GRONDER COME HERE
DURRH WHAT IS IT
I HAVE MADE A BEAUTIFUL THING WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT
WHY OF COURSE
I CALL IT THE BEAN STEAMER
DURRH WHAT DOES IT DO
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK
IT MAKES BEANS INTO ROBOTS
WITH THIS I SHALL RID MOBIUS OF HAPPINESS FOREVER
NOW I WILL SEND MY BEST TROOPS TO GUARD THE BEAN PRISONERS SO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS
GOOD THINKING DR. REBOTNEK
HELLO THERE GENTLEMEN MY NAME IS ERMS
IT IS BECAUSE I HAVE LARGE ERMS
IT IS A SUBTLE JOKE YOU MAY NOT HAVE UNDERSTOOD
I AM HERE TO PROTECT THE BEANS FROM BEING RESCUED
COME TO ERMS MY BEAUTIES
ONE SOUND THRASHING LATER
OH GOD I CANNOT WALK YOU WIN I GUESS
HELLO THERE OLD BEAN MY NAME IS FRANKLIN
DO YOU GET IT
IT IS BECAUSE I AM LIKE FRANKENSTEIN
BUT I DIGRESS I MUST STOP YOU OLD CHAP
HAVE AT YOU
AFTER A LONG WHILE OF STACKING BEANS
I WAS SO VERY VERY WRONG
WHY HELLO SIR I AM HUMPDY
IT IS LIKE THE EGG STORY
HUMPDY DUMPDY SAT ON A WALL
YOU CATCH MY DRIFT CORRECT
GOOD FOR NOW WE MUST FIGHT IN A BATTLE OF WITS
HUMPDY DUMPDY HAD A GREAT FALL
MY INSIDES ARE GOING WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T
HELLO I AM COKONETS
DR. REBOTNEK HAS TRUSTED ME WITH GUARDING THESE BEANS
YOU WILL NOT LEAVE EURASIA ALIVE
OH JESUS CALL AN AMBULANCE
MEANWILE IN REBOTNEK'S LAB
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HE KILLED COKONETS
COKONETS WAS MY ONLY FRIEND
WHAT ABOUT ME SIR
NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ROOSTER TEETH
You don't have to be such an asshole about it.
NEVERTHELESS THIS IS NOT OVER
SEND OUT THE TROOPS
HOWDY PARDNER I AM DAVEY SPROKIT
DO YOU SEE MY COONSKIN CAP SIR
I AM A ROBOT DAVEY CROCKIT
BUT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER
I MUST PIONEER SOME NEW TECHNIQUES
ONE LOUISIANA PURCHASE-SIZED BEATING LATER
MY LEFT LUNG SEEMS TO HAVE FOUND NEW FRONTIER
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FIELD
HOLY HELL WHAT AM I
I HAVE A PIG NOSE AND TWO WHEELS
I AM AN ABOMINATION
PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY
STACK SOME BEANS
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT
ALL YOU DID WAS STACK SOME BEANS
WHY AM I STILL ALIVE
HELLO SIR MY NAME IS
AND THEN HE EXPLODED BECAUSE HE IS DYNAMITE
DURRRH I AM GRONDER
YOU WONT GET PAST ME SIR
ONE FREESTYLE RAP BATTLE LATER
OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE
THE BLOOD IS POOLING AROUND ME AS I SPEAK
BACK AT REBOTNEKS HOWSE
GRONDER WAS JUST MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD SKRATCH
WHAT A WAY TO GO HUH DR. REBOTNEK
BUT THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE END
WHAT DO YOU MEAN SIR
WE HAVE MORE IN STORE
READY WAVE THREE
WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS
YO YO YO WHAT UP
I FORGOT MY NAME
LET'S BATTLE YO
ONE EXTREME MACRAME COMPETITION LATER
BOY I GOT SCHOOLED
IT HURTS VERY BADLY
MY NAME IS SIR F-FUZZY LOGIK
HOLY HELL IS THAT MY REAL NAME
WHATEVER I AM A SAMURAI
I WILL BEAT YOU
I HAVE FAILED
I AM COMING, ANCESTORS
A AAAAAAA AAA
AAA AA A AAAAA
AAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAAAA
CUT: REBOTNEK'S LAB, INT., DAY
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT POPCORN SKRATCH
BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTH
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU MUTANT
THEY ARE GETTING CLOSER
WE MUST DEFEND OURSELVES SKRATCH
WE MUST READY OURSELVES FOR THE FINAL BATTLE
SIR I SHALL GO AND STOP THE INTRUDER
MAKE DADDY PROUD
COME AND GET SOME
"Fine... I will."
WAAAAUUGH STOP STABBING ME
"Heh... what a pushover."
SKRATCH HAVE YOU DISPOSED OF THE INTRU
WHO DID THIS TO YOU SKRATCH
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU
"I have no name. Some people call me... Solid Snake."
I DONT GIVE A CRAP
"Whatever the case, I'm here to stop you, Robotnik... or should I say... brother?"
"You don't know, do you?"
OF COURSE NOT JUST TELL ME
"Dr. Robotnik, you and I were part of a project. A project called..."
"Las Habas Terribles."
LAS HABAS TERRIBLES
"Las Habas Terribles."
"It was a government project to create the perfect super soldier."
"The project spawned two children. One had the flawed genes, and one had the perfect genes."
"You... you were the perfect one."
"Yes. You were to be mass-produced in order to create an army of super soldiers..."
"... who can consist on nothing but baked beans."
"I'm here to stop you from becoming mass-produced. I'm here..."
"... to save you."
"Do you want to be saved, Dr.? Do you?"
"Any last words, Dr.?"
I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG
"Goodnight... Dr. Robotnik."
you say you want an explanation
I played Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine very recently. Though I did, honestly, really like the game, the story was unbelievably stupid. In a burst of inspiration, I decided to make a story about it in all caps.
Eventually I was plagued with the decision of how to end it. Naturally, I gave it the MGS ending. So that explains a lot, huh?